Questions & Answers
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| June 2003 | July 2003 | January 2004 | March 2004 | August 2004 | January 2005 | July 2005 |
June 2003
IFRIT, GOD OF FIRE writes: What is with the Hulk's pants? How do they stay there? Everything else gets ripped but they randomly stay there?
Well, this is indeed a question pondered by many. Truly though, it's rather simple as to why the Hulk's pants don't get ripped. They are made of a special material that is a mixture of both cloth and a titanium alloy. This allows them to stretch, but not get ripped. You may wonder why this would be. Well, when Bruce Banner first was given the powers to change into the Hulk, he realized that he would grow way beyond his normal size. Rather than make an embarassment out of himself in public, he came up with the special material and made a pair of shorts for himself out of it. He was going to make a whole outfit out of this material, but decided it didn't look "manly" enough to be fully clothed (some people can disagree). Nevertheless, the pants weren't equipped with any elastic qualities, and the incredible pain from the pants being too tight ends up being the source of the Hulk's anger, contrary to popular explanation of this phenomenon, which has something to do with repressed anger and fear and whatnot.
IFRIT, GOD OF FIRE writes: Why do they release game consoles and handhelds? An example would be the Game Boy Advance SP or the PSX which is like a Playstation 2.5? Why didn't they make them like that in the first place?
Well, game console manufacturers like to feel...big. Because of this, they decided to manufacture big products. Some console manufacturers, Nintendo for example, make smaller consoles that can be somewhat portable, to hopefully close the gap between handhelds and consoles. Other manufacturers, like Microsoft, feel the need to make BIG consoles, that both weigh a lot, and whose controllers are so big that their design is clumsy. This need of giant hardware is partly just a scheme to make more money off of you by forcing you to buy a handheld should you ever want to "take your game on the road". It's also a clever way to make a contrast in sizes, as the designers can make small discs for the games and software. In a way, they think it's funny (these corporate types have a sick sense of humor). They can also release twice as many games this way, making you twice as happier. So in truth, without both consoles and handhelds, you'd be twice as bored.
IFRIT, GOD OF FIRE writes: If his name is Mega Man then why does he have the voice of a 5 year old girl (in the games that feature his voice)?
Hmm...well, the only reason why Mega Man would have the voice of a 5 year old girl is simply this: it saves money. How does this save money you ask? Well, if they were to go out and find an adult male voice actor, it would probably cost quite a bit of money. Instead, they go out on the street, kidnap a young girl, then sit her in a sound studio and force her to read a script for the game. Then, they give her a piece of candy and a toy, to help her forget it ever happened and keep the level of childhood trauma at a minimum. They then take her back out onto the street, give her to some random people as a "gift", then return to producing the game, using this scenario as a game element. In this way, they've just cut a quarter of a million dollars off of the cost of the game's production, which they can then spend to come up with a quick advertising campaign for the game's launch, and then use the rest for the sequel.
July 2003
IFRIT, GOD OF FIRE writes: Why are you called the wise donut?
Well, that's simple. It's because I'm a donut, and I am wise.
IFRIT, GOD OF FIRE writes: Why must god, or who ever it is up there, taunt me?
Well, if I knew how they taunted you, I'd be able to answer you better. But as far as just taunting, maybe you've done something to anger him. While I do know quite a lot, I don't know everything, so in order to know what you did to anger him, I guess you'd have to ask him.
IFRIT, GOD OF FIRE writes: Can i have some money?
No. Well, I suppose if I had any, I might give you some, but I have none. However, you could probably sneak into Bill Gates' mansion late at night and steal some. While you're at it, fix some of the bugs in Windows. If that's successful, it would be great if you could lend ME some money...I could always use some new frosting...
Audra, the source of intriguing questions writes: Hello and greetings to the wise donut.
My question is such: If Al Yankovich was to write a parody of one of his parodies, would the universe fold into itself while the song reverted to its
original state? This question has gone unanswered for a long period of time now, and I come now seeking your assistance. Please help me.
Well, as a matter of fact, it wouldn't. Rather, one of two things would happen. 1. Weird Al's parody of a parody would be looked at as an ingenius marketing ploy. People the world over would consider him an even bigger musical genius than he already is, or 2. His parody of a parody would be so repetitive that pop culture would celebrate it, make it a number one hit, and we would be hear about it for the rest of our natural, and for some of us, unnatural, born lives. Yes, this IS a sad, sad universe.
KARASU TENTEI....RAVEN LORD writes: Would it be possible to transform into a Dark Archon without being a Dark Templar and have the ability to mind control others and have them under your power?
Well, first we'd have to consider that the energies of the Dark Templar were available to you. Then you, as a human, or whatever you are, would have to absorb these energies, and then you'd need to clone yourself. Then you and your clone would have to merge together into a Dark Archon. So, in theory, yes. Though, you could just unlock your true mental powers, mind control people, then get a half-hour tv show where you demonstrate your "psychic ablilities" by pretending to speak to people's dead relatives. Yes...if only it were so...and that easy...what am I talking about, of course it's that easy. That gives me an idea...ahem, uh...so really, that's all you'd need to do.
IFRIT, GOD OF FIRE writes: Why on the aol commercial, does one of the IM's say "He smote it"? What exactly does "smote" mean?
Well, according to the dictionary, smote means...well, the dictionary actually points to smite, which means to hit...or some other similar nonsense. Basically, "He smote it" means "He hit it"...though by the dictionary's definition, it would be "He to hit it"...I know, makes no sense whatsoever. Why aol put this on their commercial, well, I think the commercial you're referring involves monks who have taken a vow of silence, but have AOL Broadband, and supposedly get such great service...blah blah blah. Anyway, one of the monks is watching a baseball game (monks watching baseball? what has the world come to?)and the IM message he is sending says "He smote it", referring to a hit the baseball player made. Personally, I don't see why this will make anyone want to purchase AOL any quicker...but oh well. Must be some sort of evil marketing ploy to sucker us into...I mean, convince us to purchase their software and service...yea...that's it...convince us...heh...right.
January 2004
Jennifer, singer of songs writes: Who started the fire?
Well, that depends on which fire you speak of. Most of the time, fires are started by people who are incapable of handling things without causing some sort of chaos, by people who are general pyromaniacs, or by old people. So, in a sense, THEY started the fire. However, if you're speaking of the INFAMOUS song of such titles...then my answer is this: hippies. Yes, those nature loving peace spreading freakishly long haired human atrocities. Their realization that peace cannot stop war has begun, and they've decided that the only way to stop everyone from fighting is to burn them all alive...yes, it makes no sense. However, that is the sort of thought found in the twisted brains of these creatures. So yes, they started the fire, and we should put the full blame on them...blasted hippies...
Ryan C. writes: Dear Wise Donut. Recently, I've had a bit of trouble comprehending some
things. For instance: I've noticed recently that no matter how much
poking or prodding you do to a Weeble (those lovable children's toys)
they will not, for the life of me, fall down. Oh, they'll wobble all
right, but when it comes down to it, I just want to know why Weebles
wobble but they don't fall down... Can you help me, Wise Donut?
Hmm..Weebles. If I remember correctly, they're those enigmatic egg shaped "people", commonly given to small children as "toys". You can nudge them, push them, shove them, kick them, or violently smite them, and they'll only wobble, shake, or rock slightly. Therein lies your problem. You see, the whole purpose of the Weebles' existence is to wobble, yet never fall down. Otherwise, we'd call them Fall Downs, and their purpose would be to fall down, never wobble. However, if you are still obsessed with the plight of their wobbling, you merely have to open them up and remove the weight in the bottom of them, effectivly rendering them "wobbleless", and letting you knock them down. A frustratingly shameful toy really..
March 2004
Karasu Tentei writes: Dear Wise Donut, Why must we go to school at all just for a friggin piece of paper saying you graduated high school? The Diploma says nothing more than you have graduated such and such high school. And what can you really do with a diploma?
Well, as education is such a top priority in modern society, to be well educated is to be successful and skilled. Without education, it's nearly impossible to get a job with a decent paycheck. Therefore, in order to prove that a person is even somewhat capable of being intelligent, people feel that it's necessary to see that person's diploma. This way, they can blindly trust that someone has some sort of skill without worrying much. As for the uses of a diploma, there are as many uses as there are for any other piece of paper, such as wiping up a mess, lining an animal cage, burning for warmth, writing a grocery list, or wrapping a fresh fish. Other than those, it's really just for decoratory and sentimental purposes.
August 2004
IFRIT, GOD OF FIRE writes: Why is there a Pop Tarts Yeti? Why does he lie? He promises a gooey core after freezing them but I am left dissapointed. Can you answer this?
Well, this is one of the oddities of the advertising industry. You see..advertisers usually use creatures for one of three things: sympathy, because the public can relate to them or is familiar with them, or because the advertisers can relate to, and are familiar with, them. In this case, it's the last one. You see, few people actually know this, but unlike most corporations, which are usually run by rich, white, old people, the Kellogg's Corporation is run by Sherpas. These are the group of people who make their homes around Mt. Everest, the usual location for Yetis (aside from the occasional Urban Yeti). Several Sherpas migrated to the U.S. several years ago, and after learning how to run a business, they decided to go to work at Kellogg's, where in a short amount of time, they were running the company. After exhausting the usual animal mascots (tiger, toucan, rooster, etc.) they decided to try a new approach with their Pop-Tarts. They used a creature that most of them knew well, and one that few people would know the true evil of. Thus, the Pop-Tarts Yeti was born, accompanied by sub-titles and an annoying "Listen to the Yeti". His reasoning for lying is simply because he is a vile Yeti. He promises something that couldn't possibly happen, as when something is frozen, it's always solid...only melting would give the Pop-Tart a gooey core. Yes..marketing is a cruel, cruel business..but this is the way of the world.
January 2005
Jack writes: Do you like apples??
It depends on which apples you mean. If you mean Apple computers, then yes, as I feel they truly are computers for those that are wise. However, if you mean the fruit, then no. Although few know it, apples aren't exactly the healthy, nutritious fruit that everyone mistakes them for. In fact, during the digestion process, apples actually...well, perhaps I shouldn't give that away right now... Anyway, therein lies your answer.
Ned writes: Why are some aspects of the Japanese culture grand to the fullest, and some simply retarded and unnecessary? I'll give you an example, Video games are grand, and the selling of women's undergarments in vending machines is retarded.
This contrast of Japanese aspects is due to the fact that there is a need of balance within Japan. If it did nothing but produce video games and top quality technology, then it would attract mass amounts of people. The sheer popularity would cause so much overcrowding that Japan would become too heavy, and as a result, it would sink into the sea, much like a modern-day Atlantis. However, if it did nothing but produce strange and unnecessary things, such as the vending machines which offer women's undergarments, then very few people would want to stay there, and as a result, the production of video games and other technology that we all enjoy would become very limited, and we would all suffer as a result. Therefore, in order to achieve an acceptable balance, Japan decided that it would offer both things that are grand, and things that we could do without.
July 2005
Jack writes: Love. Why? when? where? who? tips? 2 gp, mushroom cup? B ranking? flower cup, star rating...
Well then...A multiple part question...those are always fun. Seeing as how the subject is love, I'll answer each question with a brief statement, in the order they are asked. Alright...here I go. (Why?) Because, people need something unnecessary to occupy their lives with. (When?) Unfortunately, it's been occurring since the beginning of time, and it will most likely continue into the distant future. (Where?) Depends on the society...usually in public places. (Who?) Nearly every human being...as they are pathetically doomed creatures. (Tips?) Yes, for the sake of everyone, stay as far as you can away from it. It's been said that love is the most unpredictable and deadly of diseases, and it can be found in a variety of forms, all leading to bad outcomes. (2gp, mushroom cup?) What? Oh, we changed the subject. Very well then. Yes...Mushroom cup. (B ranking?) No. (Flower cup, star rating...) I'm afraid that's not a question...but yes, those are enjoyable from time to time. So ends our questioning. And remember, of all the things in the world, love is one of them.