Are you hungry? Most people are, and let's face it, food isn't as easy as it used to be to acquire. In the days of our ancestors, eating was as easy as killing the food, or pulling it from the ground, heating it a little, and then devouring it with the intensity of a starving animal. These days, however, with vending machines, French cuisine, and the ever frightening "Low-Carb Diets", choosing your food is quite difficult, let alone the horrendous task of obtaining money in order to actually eat it. Of course, even if you acquire the food, taste alone can murder your appetite, and that's another $30 wasted at the hands of the food industry.

The need for cheap and remotely decent-tasting food arose, and was answered by a new type of food: fast food. This became the immediate choice for the average citizen, whose busy lifestyle left little time to enjoy a home-cooked meal, which could take forever to prepare. However, fast food was soon found to be fattening, and thus, diets followed. However, few diets actually work, and the need to find the perfect, non-fattening, cheap and easy-to-obtain food has been important...until now. That's right, the solution to this is the incredible FOODILIZER! Yes...I'm not kidding you. What is this "Foodilizer", you ask? Why, the most revolutionary product to hit the market, and it comes from the geniuses that brought you the Aerosol Car and the Killer Octopus in a Can!

The Foodilizer comes in the form of a simple metal box, weighing approximately 50 pounds. It can be placed on any flat, level surface, or it can be carried with you, for a meal on-the-go, using the convenient shoulder/neck strap, which is stored in a compartment in the bottom of the unit. It's incredibly easy to use. Simply insert the Food Cartridge (sold separately) containing the type of food you want to eat, then press the red button. Using advanced technology, the Foodilizer will aim a uranium-powered beam at your hands, plate, etc. Then, through the use of quantum materialization, the food you chose will materialize within minutes. Then, simply eat it like you normally would. The secret to this product is in the patented Texturites, tiny molecules which make it seem as if you are actually biting into a juicy steak, or eating a chewy and delicious chocolate chip cookie. Wondering how the food is materialized? This is the secret to the process: it's not actually food. It's merely flavored air! The Foodilizer tricks your mind into thinking it's food, thus making you feel full, without actually having eaten anything. This leaves a concern, though, as to where you would get the nutrients found in normal food. However, this problem has been easily overcome. Simply stick the included transfer tube into your arm, and a dose of highly nutritious Nutri-Aid will be pumped into your veins. Nutri-Aid is full of vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients your body needs to survive.

So if you're hungry, buy one today. Foodilizer devices can be found in your local supermarket, in the aisle where plates, cups, etc. are sold, for only $49.99. Food Cartridges can be found in the canned goods aisle for only $4.99 a piece.
The Foodilizer runs on an unstable balance of uranium and chlorine gas. Do not shake, drop, or leave the Foodilizer in direct sunlight, as doing so could result in a large explosion. Food Cartridges are disposable, can only be used once per cartridge, and are lethal if exposed to water or carbon dioxide. Foodilizer is not safe to be used by children, old people, or women who are pregnant. The Foodilizer has not been tested on any living thing, and may be fatal if used. Prolonged exposure to uranium-powered beam (10 minutes) may cause sores or full mutation of cells. Not to be used within 5 feet of any other human being. Skin cancer, or malicious tumors will develop if Foodilizer is used more than twice within a 24-hour period. This product may or may not be illegal, check your local laws before use. The makers of this product are not to be held liable for how you use this product, or what occurs as a result of usage. Side effects can include: mental instability, brain damage, advanced hemorrhaging, loss of feeling in limbs, nausea, burns where Uranium beam comes in contact with skin, and/or loss of consciousness.